Paris and Benji: America's First Couple

I did this doodle a few weeks back when there were some pap pix of Paris' (alleged) bloated baby belly floating around the internets. I figgered it was just an unfortunate confluence of bad lighting and an empire waisted schmata from Wet Seal. The more I ponder this puzzling supercouple, the more I'm convinced it's merely a fiendish plot to steal Nicole Richie's thunder. Of all the potential lovemates for Paris to ensnare, she just happens to pick the identical twin of Nicole's baby batter buddy. Coincidence? Not bloody likely. Next, she needs L.A.'s hottest accessory, a baby, just like Nicole. I predict that she's going to time the birf of her wonk-eyed mini-me to coincide with Nic's upcoming nuptials. That'll show her.

NOTE: If you want to see some really, really, really good Paris-ite art, check out the myriad masterpieces on display at Gallery of the Absurd and Pretty on the Outside. I bow down to their talent.

Doodle Whore wants to know what you think, dear reader. What's the first thing that pops into your head when you ponder the prospect of Paris procreating?

Gary and Paris: Separated at Birf?

Am I mean?

The only other bright spot about this year's Oscars snoozefest (besides Tilda's Hefty Bag dress) was the Busey/Garner red carpet kerfuffle. I give Mrs. Affleck credit for maintaining her cool under extreme pressure. Not only did she have to endure Ryan Seacrest's inane banter, but she had to contend with a surprise d-list ambush. If I had Busey's giant head, crazy eyes, and dinner plate sized DaVinci Veneers coming at me unannounced like that I would have crapped myself right there on the red carpet.

Props for Paris Pt. 3: A Cactus

Burlesque diva extraordinaire, Dita Von Teese, uses the iconic martini glass as a metaphor for a bygone era. Paris in a martini glass, well, it's not quite so appealing. I started thinking about other props she could use to much greater effect that would really capture the essence of Paris in all of her vulgar glory.

Finally, I give you A Cactus. I know it's a tad absurd, but I loved the idea of watching her bump and grind on a prickly cactus in a terracotta planter. Trust me, if she had an audience and the remotest chance of having her picture taken, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

See Props for Paris Pt. 2: The Trashy Can Can, Props for Paris Pt. 1: Le Toilette Erotique.

Props for Paris Pt. 2: The Trashy Can Can

Burlesque diva extraordinaire, Dita Von Teese, uses the iconic martini glass as a metaphor for a bygone era. Paris in a martini glass, well, it's not quite so appealing. I started thinking about other props she could use to much greater effect that would really capture the essence of Paris in all of her vulgar glory.

I present to you The Trashy Can Can. Paris has trashed so many things over the years: her reputation, her family's once good name, her vajayjay, the film/tv/music industry, the fashion and fragrances industry, socialites and heiresses in general, feminism, etc... I think the humble and iconic trash can makes an ideal stage for her erotic gyrations and attention seeking. Oscar obviously agrees.

See Props for Paris Pt. 1: Le Toilette Erotique.

Props for Paris Pt. 1: Le Toilette Erotique

Burlesque diva extraordinaire, Dita Von Teese, uses the iconic martini glass as a metaphor for a bygone era; a time when men were fellas and women were dames. The elegant profile of the glass exquisitely compliments her stunning curves. Paris in a martini glass, well, it's not quite so appealing. "Waiter, there's a whore in my drink," is the first thing that comes to mind. I started thinking about other props she could use to much greater effect that would really capture the essence of Paris in all of her vulgar glory.

The first one is Le Toilette Erotique. Watch Paris as she sensually writhes and splashes within its pretty pink bowl emblazoned with her name. Never one to shy away from the gutter, this unique prop alluringly captures the less savory side of Ms. Hilton. "Flush me!" she coos to the hooting crowd in her trademark nasal baby girl voice. I'd love to.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Wow! I just noticed that Doodle Whore crossed the 100,000 hit mark and I'm totally blown away. As long as celebrities continue to debase themselves in public, I'll be here to deconstruct it for you, doodle style. Thanks for all of the links, comments, and support. You rock.

Paris Screwed by Grandfather

No you perv, not like that. She got shafted where it hurts the most: her bank account. Turns out Grandpappy Barron Hilton is giving away 97% of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity, leaving a measly $5 million for Po' Paris to scrape by on after his passing. Fortunately, she can supplement her paltry inheritance with her royalties from the Paris Hilton Rotisserie.

Celebrities with Dog Cones: Paris Hilton

My new favorite website is Dogs With Cones, the sole focus being photos of dogs wearing those pitiful plastic lampshades around their heads. If you don't say, "AWWWW!" after taking a look, you really have a heart of stone. Naturally, my warped, celebrity-clogged brain started to envision our favorite tarnished "stars" wearing them. Paris would truly benefit from wearing a cone, which would limit her intake of liquor (and other substances) and prevent her from licking herself in public.

Doodle Whore wants to know what YOU think, dear reader. Besides Britney (which I'm working on right now), which celebutard would you like to seeing wearing a cone next?

Celebrity Turkey Series: The Paris

Paris Hilton has thrust herself into the spotlight over the years to tantalize all five of your senses, dear reader. You can see her sex tape, hear her smash cd, touch her golden hair extensions, and smell like her Can Can. But what about taste? Finally, the wait is over. Doodle Whore proudly presents to you: That's HOT! a Paris Hilton Rotisserie. It's the sexiest way possible to cook a variety of poultry and meats (far more erotic than a crummy George Foreman grill for sure). Ogle your turkey as it cooks and twirls around a sizzling hot brass stripper pole while Paris' hit single Stars Are Blind plays through the built in speakers. Now that's hot. Happy Thanksgiving!

PS Check out Pretty on the Outside's brilliant take on Ms. Hilton on the pole!

Supermodel

Doodle Whore was beginning to worry about the dearth of inspiring Paris Hilton news. No sex tapes, beav flashes, or jail sentences. Maybe she was focusing on using her celebrity to do good in the world and bring awareness to important issues and stuff. Thankfully, the drought is over. Our favorite attention lovin' celebretard was recently photographed posing up a storm in Korea with lipstick smeared all over her front teefs and tongue. Welcome back, hon!

Awwwwkward

I guess Ms. Hilton was none too pleased about discussing her time in the slammer with Dave. In my artist's rendering, she becomes so sad and pouty that she wets herself. It could happen. Check out the vid:

Paris Hilton is totally going to Rwanda

Amateur porn star? Check. Drunk driving, probation violating ex-con? Check. Humanitarian dedicated to fighting genocide in Africa? Check! I think she would be much more effective if she brought along her two favorite frenemies: beav flashing habitual drug user Britney Spears and former skeleton/unwed mother Nicole Richie. You go girls! Read more about Paris' journey to redemption. That's hot.