The Hills Deconstructed: The Hills Have Eyes

Bulging, shifty, side-eyes a plenty. I have to give props to those crafty MTV editors for turning Lo, Audrina, and Lauren's awkward lunch into a tour de force of straw slurping, eye rolling, and pregnant pauses. Oh, Audrina. I can't imagine you really want to move in with these two passive aggressive drama queens, do you? Just do what the script is screaming for you to do: move in with Heidi! Preferably, in the mansion right next door to Lo and Lauren. Then I want Spencer to move out of Stephanie's apartment and into a big ugly RV and park it on the lawn so he can keep an eye on Heidi (and piss in Lauren's bushes).

The LA Times just published an open letter to whiny grudge-holder Lauren here.

Read all of my in depth The Hills analysis here.

The Hills Deconstructed: Justin Bobby and Audrina

We realize by now that our sweet Audrina has some serious self-esteem and daddy issues to deal with. Why else would she take a loser like Justin Bobby back into her life? I mean other than her contractual obligations to the script writers at MTV, of course. Here are just a few reasons why Audrina needs to dump Justin Bobby:

1. He has two first names.
2. White guy dreadlocks. It didn't work for that dork from the Counting Crows either.
3. It looks like he bathes once a year. I can smell his man-funk right through the tv.
   
4. He belches to punctuate ideas or to fill awkward gaps in conversation. Classy.
5. He dresses like a pirate.
   

Doodle Whore wants to know what YOU think, dear reader. What on earth is the appeal of Justin Bobby?