An Existential Crisis of Sorts

The evil Skeletor, aka Alex


After watching Real Housewives of New York City, my first instinct was to sell all of my belongings and move to some remote area of Canada. Or just put a bullet through my head. Seriously, this show has made me feel icky all day long. Current questions and concerns:

1) If Jill is so rich, she should be able to afford the best in hair care. Why then is her color so dreadful? I'm just some rube from that blank space between New York City and L.A., and even I can tell that it does not suit her. Kind of looks like a wig too.



2) Alex's "performance" last night put a big bulls-eye on her head. Terrorists, suburbanites, French au pairs, hotel workers in St. Bart's--they probably all want to torture and kill her, and I can't say that I'm upset about it. By the way, if you care to dislike her even more, check out her own personal obnoxious website and a family obnoxious website. What a douche (but for Alex, I will give it a French pronunciation, so that it rhymes with "touché"). Be sure to check out her resume. I hope she busts out that Cockney accent sometime on the show. Jesus.

Also, do you know how old Alex is? I was guessing early 40s. But no. She's 34.

3) What does Simon (Alex's husband) mean that they spent "more than five figures but less than six"? Is this some sort of nouveau-rich math? I think Brilliant Asylum said it perfectly in the comments section of my last post:

I love how that one couple spent "between 5 and 6 figures" on their Cavalli shopping spree and yet they live in a townhouse that looks like it was decorated by a college-age frat boy. Black leather sofas and a particle-board bookshelf full of DVD's in the living room? I expected better style from an obviously closeted husband. How do you say "social climbing posers" in French?

4) Ramona. Let's look into elocution lessons, and therapy for your daughter who will probably never recover from this experience. By the way, when she sees that part about the black thong with the green lace, she's going to throw up. For hours.

5) Bethenny. She acts normal, but the spelling of her name and the fact that she's on this show suggests she's not.

6) The Countess. She doesn't seem that bad, and her son Noel is completely adorable, but like Alex, I would suggest that she sleep with one eye open. That housekeeper is gonna blow if she gets one more responsibility foisted upon her.

I know that Real Housewives of NYC is on my beat and all, but I'm not sure if I can continue to watch. It's harming me on a spiritual level. Please excuse me while I drink some cool water and clean my kitchen in order to muster up the will to live on the same planet as these people (and watch the Project Runway finale tonight). See you later!