Oh, for God's sake!

How on earth am I supposed to go on a break when there's eye-popping stupidity to report? The bloggers at W Magazine recently interviewed Kelly Bensimon about her new jewelry collection. Apparently, she's abandoned the owls (remember the lawsuit?) for snakes with loopy tongues.




Here is an excerpt from the interview:

What inspired you for this [jewelry] collection?
I love Navajo and I love the idea of taking Pocahontas out of the kayak and putting her into the disco. Everyone knows that she's had enough in her little canoe and now she's out and having fun in the disco. It's the idea that it's Navajo, but also it's pavé and really, pavé that's my forte. I love bling. I love understated flashy.

Is she fucking high? What other possible explanation is there for Navajo Pocahontas at the disco?

"So, like, my next collection is going to be kind of Helen Keller in Aspen. I mean, get that girl a snowboard!"

You'll also be glad to know that she resurrects her infamous "up here/down there" line when talking about the loopy snake tongue, aka "pod":

That's the pod, which is something that's really going to be the staple of the line. It comes in lariat. I like the lariat because it brings the attention down. Everyone likes up, I like down. I'm like, bring it right here [motions towards her chest]! There are two parts of a woman's body men like, and so we're focusing on one.

Ah, Kelly likes the attention down. Or wait, is it up? Apart? I'm confused.


Anyhow, click here to read the entire interview; it's very worth it, especially when Kelly bewilders the interviewer (twice) by using the word "chatty" instead "catty."


On a completely unrelated note, I am mesmerized by this video (found, and intelligently discussed, on fourfour). That shirt alone draws you in, doesn't it?



Is that Teresa at the :28 mark? Just joking, Teresa; you know I love you and your greasy husband.

Happy Friday!

It's so easy to read their minds

Ramoner: I'm bored. I need to be stimulated. I think I will bring up Alex's nude photos one more time after the show.

Alex: Well, it's fine, but it's certainly no corset made out of rotting burlap.

Jill: Let's get this over with. Brad's re-wallpapering my entire apartment with the Zarin logo and I just know he's going to screw it up.

Jaqueline: I wonder what it would be like to read a book.

Dina: Bubbies are too small. Next.

Caroline: What the fuck are you lookin' at, bitch?

Teresa: I wonder where we place orders? I want five of everything.

Danielle: Little do they know, I have Cop without a Badge hiding under this paper. We're gonna clear the air once and for all!



For more photos of the Housewives at The Fashion Show fashion show (what?), go here.

Lady Bensimon is FREE!

Kelly Bensimon was sentenced to 2 days of community service today for giving her boyfriend a black eye. Doesn't the judge know that Kelly doesn't "do" community service? I mean, what if they start using her name for all of their community service events? I hope she appeals.

Anyhow, we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight knowing that Kelly is safe at home. If she thought the reunion show was boring, she should see jail! Like, totally not fun or awesome at all.

In the words of Kelly, "justice has been served."*

A video clip of the jubilant yet still moronic Kelly outside of court:



*omg, when is someone going to hit her?

Ramoner hawking her jewelry on HSN tonight

Do you even know what channel HSN is? I don't, but you can bet your sweet tits I'm going to find it tonight at 9pm. (I think Eastern time, but I have no idea how the eff HSN works.) DON'T MAKE HER NERVOUS, you guys!

By the by, did anyone watch the preview special for NYC Prep? OMG. I can't even discuss it, because I will just make fun of those kids and they're KIDS. Okay, I'll just say one little bitty mean thing--what is going on with Camille's face? And Jessie? OY.

Ramona Singer

Skinnygirl Margaritas and Crack

They don't mix.

Seriously, Bethenny. What the hell?


UPDATED: nudie stills from a Bethenny movie in 1994--check 'em out here. (Good God, who do I think I am? Perez Hilton?) (thanks HG)

photo via tmz and tipster decorno

"And on loan to us from Belleview psychiatric..."

Warning: language is a little nsfw



Please show the wickedly funny creator of this video some love in his youtube comments and let him know that we need some New Jersey.


(subscribers click through for the highlight of your morning)

"Tell me you're stopping with the Kelly because I CAN'T TAKE IT."

Not me, Ramoner. I say keep it coming! Just when I think Kelly can't get any dumber, SHE DOES. Bitch has the brain of an amoeba. A newborn amoeba! Everything out of her mouth is either completely irrelevant to the subject at hand or in direct contradiction to one of her previous irrelevant statements. Does that make sense, or did I somehow get transported into Kelly time? Listening to her speak causes my brain cells to shrivel up and beg for mercy.

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion was bananas. I could spend 10 hours trying to recount it and still not give you a good idea of how crazy bonkers it was, so let's just open it up for discussion.

Talking points:

1. Kelly's so "insular" (typically poor choice of wording), which is why she's on a reality show.

2. On Kelly's habit of not saying hi to people--Kelly says "what's the big deal?" and Bethenny has my favorite moment of the show, "It makes you a piece of shit, that's what's the big deal!" YES.

3. "I love to explore awesome people. I don't want to live in negative-town. I don't like fodder." a) Kelly IS fodder, and b) that quote needs to be on an effing t-shirt.

4. As you know, I am not the Countess' biggest fan, but I thought she handled herself pretty well in both Parts 1 and 2, and she asked Kelly the best and most pointed questions of the night. No disrespect to Andy Cohen. I LOVE YOU ANDY.


But I do agree that you could use a little haircut.

Do you think the Countess was really starting to cry when she put that pillow over her face?


5. Mario checking out the ladies (how did I miss that the first time around?) and Bethenny's "I think Mario wants to be a little star."

6. Ramoner's buggy eyes are apparently a sensitive subject?


7. Did Kelly say "when I went to the Brass Monkey and I saw the puss on her face"? (at the 1:45 mark HERE)

8. If I hear the word "branding" on any of these shows again, I will BLOW my BRAINS out.

9. Kelly's earnest "Normally I do. I do wear bras a lot."

10. I love Jill Zarin. So much.

11.

Kelly: I want to talk about interesting fun things.

Bethenny: Like stuff? Let's talk about STUFF.

Andy Cohen: We're going over what happened this season on the show.

Kelly: But I'm bored with it.

OMFG.

12. NYC Prep looks so TRASHY and that's why we're going to watch it.

13. Alex. Mute but for two sentences while trying to translate for the K-bomb.



MAZEL on finishing the season, everyone! Obviously I thought the best parts of the reunion were Kelly's. What do you think? What did I miss? Give it to me.

If Kelly were any dumber, she'd be a plant

Part 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City is TONIGHT, and it promises to be even better than Part 1. Watch this clip--it's mostly about the Countess (and it will make you CRINGE) but then there's some classic Kelly and Bethenny at the end.




Everyone, including the adorable Jew-fro'd Andy Cohen, wants Kelly to explain/defend her infamous "up here down there" comment, but this next clip shows that she is incapable of answering any sort of direct question. Here is Kelly spouting a bunch of nonsense and ending up telling Bethenny that they "could have been best friends" because they're "COMPLETELY different," yet "EXACTLY the same."



Of course.

What's up, sluts?

Part 1 of the Real Housewives of New York City reunion show is TONIGHT (10 pm EST). Get ready for an hour full of indignation, smirks and boo-hooing.

Here's a clip of Kelly giving a rambling and contradictory account of her assault charge (subscribers click through):



My favorite part is Kelly's petulant "I don't want a tissue." I so wish the production assistant would have yelled from offstage "FUCK YOU, you orange buffoon!"

Are you getting bored with all of the stupid crap that comes out of Kelly's mouth? There's just such an endless supply! Here's an excerpt from her recent interview with People:

Bensimon says joining the already-established cast in the show’s second season was like diving into a “shark tank,” and blames her nerves for causing her to act like someone she’s not. “I was so guarded, I came across as not being me,” she said. “Everyone I know was like, ‘That’s not you! That’s the not the fun Kelly who’s always on Kelly time!’ I didn’t know these women. I was treading in murky waters and I didn’t know how to navigate.”

Kelly time? Is that like Hammer time?

Since filming ended, Bensimon hasn’t spent much time with any of the New York Housewives — “We don’t run in the same social circles,” she says — but she doesn’t harbor any ill will towards any of them, including Bethenny.

“I’m the first person to say [Bethenny's] a great girl,” says Bensimon. “To be her age in New York [and] single is not easy. But she’s doing a great job enjoying her life.”

Clearly there's no ill will! Jesus. What a patronizing, pot/kettle/black, dictionary-less ASSHOLE.


Don't forget the Real Housewives of New Jersey premiering after the NYC reunion. I'd like to think that in this scene, Caroline has just reached over the table and given someone a meaty slap that left an imprint of her ring.

I CAN'T WAIT!

Take notes, President Obama

One of my most favorite blogs, Hello Gorgeous, just posted a video of the Real Housewives of NYC being interviewed on CNBC about the state of the economy.

I KNOW.

Hello Gorgeous' commentary pretty much sums it up: "Where else are you going to get a truer take on the market and current economy than out of the garbled mouth of Kelly Bensimon?" Ha!

I cringed the entire time and nothing on this earth will ever get me to watch the first 15 seconds again.

Go watch it now.

"Kuh-dooz to all of us!"

The producers of this show must send Ramoner flowers every week. She's the clutch player in this series--with her bulging eyes, bizarre hairstyles, uninhibited dancing, unfiltered mouth and now the mispronunciation of simple words, she turns a mundane scene into MONEY.

I thank you, Ramoner.

Can you believe it's over? The finale of the Real Housewives of NYC was full of petty fights and false drama but there were some flashes of brilliance. I'm leaving town tomorrow and need to whip this bitch out, so please accept this RHNYC Recap Lite in lieu of my usual deep and scholarly recap:

1. The final charity meeting, five days before the event, at Jill's. We pick up where we left off last week, with Bethenny and Kelly having just finished their ridiculous "let's clear the air" conversation/fight/demonstration of Kelly's bitchassery. The Countess arrives; Ramoner and Alex are late. When Ramoner shows up, she and Jill fight for what seems like an eternity over Jill wanting to promote Zarin Fabrics even though it didn't officially donate to the event. JESUS CHRIST, if I never hear the words Zarin Fabrics again in my life, it will be too soon. Jill tells the camera that Ramoner "walked in with a stick up her ass." I wish! Because then someone could have pulled it out and used it to beat some sense into both of them.

If you put your ear up to Kelly's head, you can hear the ocean.

Alex walks in late. She's supposed to be a co-chair with Jill, but hasn't done anything except show up late and not invite anyone. Ramoner gets all pissy about this too and tells the camera that it's just another reason why she hates Silex: "they just show up and ride on coattails but what do they do? Nothing." She goes on to say that Alex "is so like, what's the word...limp noodle." Wait. Is she talking about Alex, or Simon's penis? (LOW BLOW. Actually, I think the opposite is true; Simon is so sexual and such a titty-toucher that I wouldn't be surprised if he had a woody most of his waking hours).

One last thing--is it me, or does Jill have a foo dog on every flat surface in that apartment?

2. The Countess and her cheating asshole Count are invited to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ. The de Lesseps are there because of their charitable donations to a school for the hearing impaired. Apparently, the Count-who-is-not-an-old-man lost his hearing in one ear two years ago.

The best part is when the Countess is talking to a little boy from the school (presumably hearing impaired) and asks what his name is. "Yanni," he says.

"Danny?" the Countess asks.

"Yanni," he repeats.

"Johnny?"

"Yanni."

At this point, the Count says "Yanni," and the little boy nods. Ha! Who's the deaf one now, LUANN? Anyhow, that's pretty much the only word the Count utters in this episode.

After the Countess rings the bell, she tells the camera that the Count remarked that that was their "30 seconds of fame." Yeah, forget about starring in a national tv show every week--the de Lesseps will be always be remembered for ringing the NASDAQ bell that one time. GOD.

3. Weird, stilted scene with Jill and Ally in Ally's bedroom. Jill offers to give Ally, age 15, "the sex talk or the drug talk." She also adds, "I did call someone to help me out, but they weren't available." What? She tried to hire someone to help her talk to her 15 year old about sex and drugs? You can practically see Jill glancing at the camera and reading from a teleprompter. Even Ally was all "wtf are you doing?" Jill, we can see right through you. Both you and Bravo should know better than to try to fool us with this fake crap.

4. Bethenny gives the Countess' servant, Rosie, a cooking lesson. Watch it here.

5. Jill and Kelly visit Jill's favorite jeweler to pick a silent auction item. Kelly is dressed as a giant slutty hobbit.

The jeweler (Gericone? Gericurl?) is "a 51 year old Jewish woman" who thinks this scene is her big break. I tell you, she is OVER THE TOP, acting nuts and hitting on Kelly like crazy: "If I were gay, what I would do to you!" We see the jeweler coax her dog into "singing." Who the fuck cares. Maybe, maybe this type of thing can be buried in a mid-season episode, but not in a gd season finale.

6. Bethenny is going to be in a Moroccan Fashion Show, whatever that is. After the cooking lesson, LuAnn tries to teach Bethenny how to "walk." It's not easy. For the first time EVER, I find that my dedication to the early cycles of ANTM is paying off.

7. Bethenny is at the Moroccan Fashion Show, where we learn that she is also hosting the event.

We must talk about her make-up. How should I describe it? Have you ever seen the movie Pet Semetary, where a young father buries his dead son in this special cemetery and then the son comes back, dirty and undead and evil? I suspect the same thing happened to Bethenny. Here she is, fresh from the grave.

I think I just wet my pants. Scary.

She also does this comedy routine-ish thing that is half Andrew Dice Clay and half PAINFULLY AWKWARD. She went on and on about being single and how she wants to get married. Enough already! Here's more undead for you:

We should also discuss Ramoner's hair. You can't tell so much from this photo, but my notes during the show say "R's HAIR! FUCK!"

8. Jill and Ramoner and the event planning staff are setting up for the charity party. Ramoner, who has an even FREAKIER hairstyle

notices the "signage" behind the bar. Bethenny, who was in charge of setting up the bar, has put a million Frangelico signs up, as well as a big Skinnygirl logo. Ramoner and Jill go INSANE. Ramoner hates the signs because she thinks they're tacky, and Jill hates them because the Frangelico signs could have gone to other sponsors (i.e. ZARIN FABRICS). They take most of the signs down and Jill is furious with Bethenny for hogging this ad space. "Today is about ME," she says angrily. "It's about us, but it's mostly about ME." Now that is the perfect mindset for a successful charity event.

9. Time for the party! Silex arrives. Simon is wearing his living room (see the previous recap if you don't know what I'm talking about):

"I like to be flamboyant and I like to make a scene," he says. Why do people think he's gay? I just don't understand.

Ramoner shows up. She's proud of her work. "Kuh-dooz to all of us!" Say what you want about Ramoner, but the bitch delivers the crazy every. single. time.

Bethenny decides to confront Jill at the party. She's not so upset that the signs were taken down, but more betrayed because Jill was talking behind her back. Jill, however, doesn't want to get into it at the party. "I CAN'T," she says in her Lawn Guyland accent. "Don't ruin my night." She walks away and Bethenny turns around and unleashes on Ramoner who is shockingly calm and lucid. Ramoner tells the camera her strategy: "I'm just gonna yes her to stop the fury."

Jill's about to give her big speech when Bethenny thinks of "mountains, molehills" and decides everything has been blown out of proportion. She finds Jill, hugs her, and it's over. But she remains pale and stricken throughout the night. She fought with Mama, and she is traumatized.

Jill gives the speech, does the auction (there is a brief moment when no one is bidding and we are reminded of the DeShawn auction debaucle of 2008 all over again), and then she hands out self-serving awards. She "forgets" to give Kelly her award. Forget, my ass! Just Bravo trying to create a little drama.

The dancing begins. Would you look at these two?

They remind me of highschool nerds who talk endlessly about how superior and unique and "above popularity" they are, yet are secretly DYING to be a part of the cool crowd. I know, because I was a highschool nerd with those same dreams. Get over it, Silex. You're fine just the way you are. Kind of.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, MY BONER!"

Finally, there are the traditional end-of-season epilogues, and let me just say that someone at Bravo is on the take. Silex obviously didn't pay up because they were treated rather nastily: "As relationship role models [dripping with sarcasm], the natural next step for Alex and Simon is to write a book about parenting." HARSH, Bravo! The most unbelievable epilogue comes from someone who is CLEARLY either sleeping with Kelly or on her payroll: "The courtroom drama driven by Kelly's latest break-up is finally over. She continues to focus on her beautiful children and writing career."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? One, is her courtroom drama over? Two, "beautiful children and writing career"? WHAT? No one else's children in the history of Real Housewives have EVER been portrayed in a positive light, and Kelly can barely string a sentence together. There is something majorly FISHY going on at Bravo (there's a joke here, but I am trying to be professional). Andy Cohen, did you let Kelly write her own epilogue? Did you? I'm calling the NYTimes. There's a Pulitzer prize for investigative journalism in here, I just know it.

So much for Recap Lite.

Listen, forget this finale. We have bigger fish to fry. First, The Fashion Show (Bravo's replacement for Project Runway) premieres tomorrow. I am counting on the witty commentary of TLo, and you should too. Next week, the explosive Real Housewives of NYC reunion and the very first episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Excellent.

Let's talk.

Like a dog in heat, a freak without warning...

Simon's HANDS are on Ramoner's BOOBS. Does she look disgusted?

Exactly. I think she is confusing her hatred of Simon with INTENSE SEXUAL DESIRE.

I am weak with gratitude to Bravo for putting the Real Housewives of New York City Simon and Ramoner dancing scene up for viewing. It is a feast for the eyes--eyes that you will soon want to poke out. (Subscribers, click through):



Personally, I watched it while playing 2 Live Crew's "Me So Horny" and got a fit of the giggles. That is some nasty shit! (for those of you who are pure of heart and mind and don't know all of the words to "Me So Horny," the title of this post is taken from the lyrics.)

Did anyone tweet with Tamra and Bethenny last night? How did it go?

Did you ever think you'd see the day

...when Jill and Ramoner join forces to fight Bethenny?



EEK!

Don't forget to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra during the finale. I will probably be in the fetal position in anticipation of the fight, so I need you to be strong for me and participate in this. No dvr-ing! Start preparing your questions now.

You can start your creative juices flowing by giving me a caption for this photo from Kelly's birthday party:


and this one too (THE SHOES. Or should I say, THE SLIPPERS.):


See you tonight!

photos via Bricks and Stones

Proof that no one looks good in a seersucker jumpsuit

Our dear Bethenny, no doubt rehashing her father issues, at the Kentucky Derby. In a seersucker jumpsuit.


photo and father issues via Bethenny's twitter

Happy Birthday, Kelly Bensimon!

Kelly's friend: "Kelly! Glad you could make it. These are little cakes called cupcakes."

Kelly: "Like, how am I supposed to eat these? I'm like, skinny enough as it is!"

Friend: "Well, I guess you could just throw them up later."

Kelly: "I just had a rully rully awesome idea. We should totally like, start a line of cupcakes called Skinnygirl Cupcakes!"

Friend: "Hmmm. Why does that sound so familiar?"

Kelly: "It's a totally awesome amazing idea. Let's go find some blow."

"Bethenny, according to the laws of modern physics, two electrons cannot occupy the same quantum state."

Just kidding. Actually, I think the words coming out of Kelly's mouth at this moment were "Bethenny, you need to stop! Stah stah stah stah!"

Is Kelly Bensimon not the most unbelievably dense person you have ever seen? Her narcissism, combined with the fact that her IQ hovers around 87 (and I think I'm being generous), makes it impossible to fight with her--she can't manage to be on the same topic, let alone argue it. It's a strangely effective, not to mention HIGHLY ENTERTAINING, tactic.

Aw, Kelly. Such a fucking idiot.

Let's recap this week's episode of Real Housewives of New York City:

1. Silex, along with their spawn Johan and Francois, show up at Zarin Fabrics to pick out some window treatments for their newly renovated home. You can guess the rest of the scene: the kids go bananas, Jill gets annoyed, Silex acts too cool for school. My favorite part is Simon wandering around with Johan on his shoulders.

"Where's Francois?" he asks.

"On ya head," Jill says.

"What?"

"ON YA HEAD!"

Simon explains that no, it's Johan on his head. Où est Francois, Jill? Oh, here he is, in the neon green velvet! Peekaboo!


You can tell that Jill desperately wants to smack these kids into next Tuesday.

Let me give it to you straight: this scene was Silex's desperate play for airtime. Why else would anyone bring two children under 5 to pick out window treatments at a fancy store? I bet you anything that Silex force fed these kids cotton candy and Red Bull on the car ride over, while whispering in French, "go completely apeshit, darlings. Mommy and Daddy need at least 3 minutes out of this scene."

One more thing: Have you noticed how Jill mispronounces Silex's name? She calls them the "VanKampens" when they are in fact the "VanKempens." Nice move, Jill. Very subtle.

2. Bethenny gets a haircut from Francky L'Official. (to clarify, that's the dude's name, as well as the name of the salon.) Bethenny tells the camera that Francky is her "token gay friend, and he's a hairdresser. He works mah weave." She cracks herself up when she says this, and it is funny.

Francky (he's beautiful, btw) has a heavy Fronsch accent which is only occasionally subtitled, so here's the gist of this scene: he wants to set Bethenny up with his former-model-now-photographer friend Phillipe. Bethenny's skeptical because nerdy guys are more her type, but Francky convinces her to give Phillipe a chance.

They talk about what Bethenny should wear on the date. "Show your boobs. You have great boobs," Francky says reverently. "Ah, your boobie. I love your boobie!" Someone wants his very own boobie montage!

Bethenny then proposes a marriage deal to Francky: if Bethenny turns 40 and both she and Francky are single, they will get married and have a baby. I think he accepted.

3. Silex is futilely sweeping dusty floors in a halfway completed renovation. Alex says that they have given themselves a deadline for the reno and that to enforce the deadline, they are having a party the day after. What the hell kind of craziness is that? That sounds like a prime opportunity for Simon to get all ragey again (not to mention make some impulsive design decisions). They talk about getting an "automatic vaccuum" (translation: a Roomba) and about Simon's disdain for "tchotchkes." Then they park it on a couple of poofs to plan the party.

Do you see the torn-up nature of their house? Wires hanging out, halfway-finished floors, exposed BEAMS? The deadline is in 15 days. Why rush it? WHY?

Are they going to invite Ramoner to the party? Alex doesn't think she's "an appropriate party guest," but Simon wants not only to invite her, but wants her to actually attend. Why? Because "after the tennis, Ramoner and I had a nice moment; we hugged for 45 seconds." A 45 SECOND HUG WITH SIMON? I imagine that experience would be a damp melange of b.o., cloying cologne, Scotch and a hint of beef stew. Then add in the fact he was just getting over the flu. I'm not sure how anyone, let alone Ramoner, could survive that.

4. Ramoner visits her plastic surgeon to help her with a "perspiration problem." In other words, she's pitting out all of her clothes. She asks about getting botox under her arms. The doctor tells her that she should get internal ultrasound instead, then she upsells the 'Moner on a procedure for her face.

Ramoner was all "I can't feel a thing!" and Frank, who was watching with me, said "that's because it's not doing anything." HA. Ramoner then has a soliloquy about how non-invasive procedures are acceptable, but anything invasive is just vain.

5. Bethenny and Jill have a heart-to-heart about Bethenny's love life. The rapid speaking combined with the accents was for me, an experience akin to being very drunk--my head was spinning and I felt a bit confused and disoriented. Anyhoo, they have the same conversation that they always have: Bethenny wants a man and a baby, but she can't find the man and doesn't want to slow down career-wise to find him. Blah blah and BLAH.

The one new thought in this scene is Bethenny's theory on a subset of men she calls "trick guys." These are the not-so-attractive men who didn't get laid as teenagers, and now that they are older and have money, they can get dates. However, they have Issues with Rejection and love to participate in mind fuckery. These are the guys, Bethenny claims, who are at the strip clubs and cheating on their wives and generally just being assholes. Conversely, good-looking men have been tapping the ass forever and are typically secure in who they are. This theory, if true, blows the whole "unattractive guys are will treat you better" idea WIDE OPEN. Excellent work, B.

6. Countess LuAnn takes her 20-something year old nieces out for a drink, and invites dumbass Kelly too. Why? "because she's young and hip." Yeah, but Kelly is only 3 years younger than the Countess, so what she was really trying to say was "Bravo made me do it." I am gratified when a few moments later, the Countess slips in an insult when she tells the camera, "Kelly fit right in--she thinks she's 21 anyway, hahahaha." SLAM. I love the Countess in this scene, which should tell you how truly awful Kelly is.

Back to drinks. They're all talking about what a perfect date would be when Kelly opens her hole and the most INANE shit comes out. For example: "They're like the first date, they're like, let's go out for dinner and I'm like, okay, like, where?" What? Her tone of voice suggests that a dinner date is equivalent to ... a 45 second hug with Simon. She goes on and ON and ends with "When you're with me, I'm not gonna like, sit there and watch like the afternoon unfold, are you kidding me?"


Yeah, because watching the afternoon unfold would probably involve having a conversation, and Kelly is incapable of that. The woman has NO BRAIN. I'm surprised her head hasn't caved in.

The Countess may be snobby and aloof, but she's not stupid. She can't stand listening to this dingbat. Her expression says it all:


Suddenly, Argentinian Max shows up and Kelly's all "WAZZUP!" while they proceed to fuck each other with their eyes. The camera keeps cutting to the Countess who is all "what the gd hell is he doing here?" But, unlike Ramoner, she keeps this thought to herself. Max doesn't stay for too long (at least in tv time) and when he leaves, the Countess asks Kelly what their status is. Kelly's evasive and weird, and the Countess doesn't understand what the big deal is. "What does it take to let your hair down?" she asks Kelly. Do you know what Kelly does? SHE TAKES OUT HER PONYTAIL, and then dramatically shakes out her hair.

No words. Just no words.

7. Will Silex's apartment be finished in time for the party? Who cares.

8. Bethenny's date with Phillipe. What can I say about Phillipe? He is uber-hot. In the words of Def Leppard, pour some sugar on me, honey. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it just feels right. And nasty. This picture does him no justice. He blows Max out of the gd water.


Bethenny's nervous, but she does all right. She manages to plug her Skinnygirl margarita, and she also introduces Phillipe to a new phrase: "busting balls." I hate to harp on B's accent, but compared to Phillipe's melodious voice, she sounds like a car alarm at 2 a.m. Oy.

9. The 3 minute segment this week: Bethenny, Jill, Brad and Bobby are in a white limo on the way to Silex's party. B is cracking jokes a mile a minute, bashing the limo and describing Jill as "a yenta with a mouth like an automatic tennis ball machine."

10. Silex's party! Moments before the guests arrive, we see Simon, wearing this shiny black vinyl um, blazer, and he's making last minute adjustments to the decor. He's very proud of all of it. Amazingly, Kelly is the first guest to arrive. She subtly insults them and their Brooklyn address, which precipitates a big long speech from Alex about how cultured and sophisticated Brooklyn is.

Bethenny and Jill et al. arrive. Let me tell you, I could write for a million years and still not match the perfection of Bethenny's description of Silex's apartment: "It looked like a gothic bordello, like one of [Simon's] bizarro outfits." SO TRUE! Check it out:




I DIE.

Kelly approaches Jill. She puts on a baby pouty face and says "I'm so sorry you were upset" referring to her stupid Halloween party. Jill is honest but not rude when she says "I was mad! How could you wait to leave until 9:45?" As Kelly launches into all of her lame excuses, she's pretty much ignoring Bethenny, who is kind of standing off to the side, smiling uncomfortably. Definitely tense. Jill doesn't like it, and you know she's going to do something about it.

Ramoner never shows up, and Simon says dryly, "we were gutted." I'll bet there's more than a little truth to that statement--you know Simon was hoping for another dose of 'Moner love.

"Cheers to making our whorehouse a home!"

11. Finally, Bethenny vs. Kelly, Part 2, aka The 2nd Most Ridiculous Fight in the History of TV. Jill is having a charity meeting at her house. Jill asks Kelly to come early because Bethenny wants to talk with her. Kelly is the first to arrive. When Bethenny rings the doorbell, Kelly zips into the kitchen and sits on the counter. All I could think was 1) who does that? and 2) I hope she's wearing underwear.

Jill leads them to Ally's room so that they can have a private conversation. With lots of television cameras. Bethenny starts out by saying that last time, she listened to everything Kelly had to say and that Kelly could have saved Bethenny a trip by just giving Bethenny the finger. No reaction from Kelly-- she looks like she's sleeping with her eyes open. Bethenny says she'd like to "clear the runway." Kelly says "I'm flattered," which is an odd choice of words, but whatever, we already know she's very limited when it comes to the English language.


Bethenny goes on to say that it hurt her when Kelly repeatedly failed to acknowledge her or remember her after they had been introduced many many times. A normal person would have said, "I am so sorry. I have a terrible time remembering faces. Please don't take it personally." But a dumbass wanting to get a little airtime says, "If I see you, I've always said 'hellohowareyou.' Just because I don't have the time to like, talk to you for more than a couple seconds..."

So condescending.

Bethenny interrupts, "no you haven't said 'hellohowareyou,'" and Kelly shuts that shit down right away: "I'm not going to discuss this because I'm not." Okay then! Bethenny brings up Kelly's "up here down there" comment, which is flat-out denied by the crazy bitch. This is when Kelly starts in on the "stop! stah stah stah!" followed by "we're sitting on Ally's bed--adorable girl, you're a beautiful woman, but I'm not going to indulge you in this."


Sweet Jesus, there is NOTHING more infuriating than being patronized by a stupid person, and Bethenny tries to explain that Kelly's not in charge of what Bethenny can or cannot say. Kelly says earnestly, "have you ever heard of mountain and molehill?" OMFG. Bethenny pretty much gives up at this point, telling the camera, "we are not on the same planet. We do not speak the same language." Kelly goes on with her absurd lecture, saying "I love the fact that you wanted to clear the air, but it's clear!" Come again? What is she smoking?! She concludes their heated discussion with "we're here, we're working together, and you look adorable in that Zac dress." What a freaking nutjob.

They leave Ally's room and Kelly hops on Jill's kitchen counter again before she leaves to pick up some wine for Jill and snort a line of coke. Bethenny debriefs Jill, and that's it. The End.


Next week is the season finale. Have you seen the previews? Bethenny and Jill get into a big huge fight at the charity event! I'm scared.

Tell me what you think, darlings.

Overheard last night in NYC

Kelly Bensimon: Hey, you! WAZZUP!

Beth Stern: Excuse me?

Kelly: Oh my God, like, I think I went to like, your wedding. And, like, we go to fashion shows together.

Beth: Yes, Kelly. We used to be friends, but now I'm trying to distance myself from you socially.

Kelly: What? Like, you're so adorable and I'm so adorable, and together we're like, a total adorablefest. So UH-MAZING. I'm up here [lifting her hand] and because you're married to like, that famous rock star, you're up here too.

Beth: Howard's not a rock star, he's on the radio.

Kelly: Whatever. I won't indulge you in this.

Beth: What are you talking about?

Kelly: You tell me.

Beth: Um, I need to go.

Kelly: Actually, I'm the one who like, needs to go. I'm rully rully busy. Like, I'm a mom and the Ambassador for Wool and I'm an 'A' too. Like, I can't stop and talk to everyone. This conversation means nothing to me.

Beth: Okay. See you later. Has anyone seen my bodyguard?

Kelly: YOU'RE CRAZY! AND A FOIL!


Many, many thanks to my anonymous friend who sent me this photo from last night's launch party for Rachel Roy's new Macy's line. KELLY LIVES!

Recap will be up tonight. Late, late tonight.

xoxo

Tonight: Kelly and Bethenny, redux

(subscribers, click on through for the video)


I have run out of ways to say that Kelly is dumber than dirt.

The RHNYC season finale is next week, and Bravo has announced a LIVE virtual viewing party in which you'll be able to tweet with Bethenny and Tamra. Check out the details here. Someone needs to suggest that Tamra set Bethenny up with that hot piece Ryan.

Has anyone been reading Bethenny's blog? Something has happened behind the scenes with Silex and she now clearly LOATHES them. Here are excerpts taken from a few of her entries:

"I am not a fan of the I love Simon van Kempen Facebook club. The fans have been easier on them because Jill and I have been much nicer to them, but their desperation and delusion never ceases to amaze any of us. What they do on and off camera in a failed attempt to get ahead is incredible."

"Wow, some of you are mad at me from last week, and I apologize. I'm a "tell it like it is" person, and there are 8 months of the year that we aren't shooting together, and some things do happen behind the scenes.

Alex and Simon have done some upsetting things to divide the cast, and I really should have left my blog to what happened on the episode. My bad."

"I'm fairly certain that Alex and Simon don't care for me, but you can't fit a square into a circle, so that's that."

Yikes, that's how she talks about that ding-dong KELLY. Hope Bethenny elaborates at the reunion.

If you're interested in watching the darling and gravelly-voiced Andy Cohen interview the cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey (premiering May 12), click on over to his blog. Let me know if you get past the first 2 minutes in which Andy talks verrrrry slowly and asks about everyone's hair.

Peace out, mothertruckers.

"Do you want to do some from behind? Because they're like, spicy?"

What, Kelly? Did you have a bean burrito for lunch?

GOD. This season should have ended 3 episodes ago, right after the "up here, down there" fight. I would have been clamoring for more! Now I just HATE everyone. Well, almost everyone. I still have somewhat warm feelings for Bobby and, God help me, that crazy bitch Ramoner. More on that later. Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1. Victoria is making her first visit home since starting boarding school two months ago. The Countess tells the camera that Victoria has really missed Rosie, because at boarding school there's "no one to pick up her clothes or bring her a glass of water."

"Mom, this is nice and all, but I'm actually here to see Rosie. Is she around? I'm really thirsty."

LuAnn offers to make Victoria a decaf cappuccino (while that lazy ass Rosie just stands there, not even offering to help find the Splenda) and starts asking questions that lead us to believe she hasn't spoken to Victoria much: how's your roommate? How's the food? What's your name again?

Victoria talks about how a friend took her to this super-cool store called Goodwill where she bought two cashmere sweaters for $9. LuAnn says"you've never gone to a cash register and just paid $9 for anything, hahahahaha!"

"I just learned about this place called 'the grocery store.' Apparently commoners buy food there. Isn't that adorable?"

I thinks it's fair to say that this family is a little bit OUT OF TOUCH.

Victoria also reports that she went to a dance at school and that it was "terrible" because there was too much "grinding." LuAnn is all "huh?" and as Rosie tries to explain, Victoria interrupts with "dirty frog dance!" Ah, now LuAnn gets it. What the hell? I googled it and found nothing. Someone needs to submit that shit to Urban Dictionary, pronto.

Behind Victoria's seat at the table is a propped up (and very conspicuous) portrait of some dried-up de Lesseps ancestor. I bet LuAnn makes them all kiss it before they sit down.

2. BBC Radio comes to Jill's apartment to interview her about...the economy?

"Wait. You're telling me that not everyone has a $13 million apartment?"

Overall, I think Jill did a pretty decent job, at least insofar as getting a plug in for all of her charity events. The interviewer tries to trip her up with questions such as "it's hard to see crisis around here" motioning to her cluttered showcase of a home, but she responds with "we've worked hard for what we have." He asks her if she feels any guilt. Nope--"if you spend more than you have, then you have problems" is her answer. Easy to say when you have so much money that you run out of things to spend it on.

3. KELLY. She's a model! Model model model! She's getting new headshots, and spouts a lot of gibberish about modeling and concludes that it is "not easy." BOO HOO.

Kelly then changes into a black crocheted swimming suit to take some photographs for her Halloween party invitation.

Photographer: "Whoa, what's that smell? Can someone open a window?"

Kelly: "Sorry. Burrito for lunch. I'll close my legs."

She says to the camera, "I'll be the A" in the same tone of voice that she would say "I've discovered a cure for cancer." Wide-eyed, she pauses for effect, and probably applause. "But I'm smiling, so it's like provocative and fun and eye catching and people would say oh my god and they'd want to be a part of it." So humble. And smart! Don't forget smart.

4. The Countess and Victoria go shopping. Boring.

5. Jill is at Zarin Fabric talking about the stress of dressing up for Halloween. She says she gets anxiety for months in advance, and has hired someone to create a costume for her, and for Ginger. I don't know how she lives with the pressure.

While Jill is trying on her wig (she's going to be Elle Woods), Bobby walks up looking like a bellhop. I chuckled a little bit because I thought that was his real outfit that he wore to work that day (Bobby's kind of edgy like that), but no--it's his costume. Don't ask me what this has to do with the Elle Woods theme because at this point I was switching back and forth between RHNYC and Rock of Love Bus Reunion (a word to Mindy: you dodged a bullet, honey).

6. Then there is a 3 minute clip, in between commercials, of Jill and her Aunt Cookie being interviewed for Jill's sister Lisa's radio show.

Why, Bravo? Were you that desperate for some filler material? Because I have to tell you, this was the most irrelevant 3 minutes of air time in the history of television.

7. Silex. Fucking Silex. Simon bought a CORSET for Alex made out of A BURLAP BAG. He paid--are you ready for this?--$7000 for it at a charity gala. I understand that this money goes to charity. Fine. But don't sit around and go ON and ON about how exquisite and beautiful the BURLAP is and insinuate that the corset is worth $7k. "It's idealizing a non-profit in a very chic way," says Simon. What? "I'm going to wear it in as public of a place as possible," proclaims Alex. "Opening night at the opera."

Did you all feel like you were in a modern day version of The Emperor's New Clothes? IT'S A BURLAP BAG FOR FUCK'S SAKE! All the "designer" did was attach some suspenders, cut out a sweetheart neck and make a few stitches. I COULD DO THAT. That useless idiot Kelly could do that! Swear to God, I felt like I was watching a Saturday Night Live skit--it was beyond ridiculous.

"For our next big event, I'm going to wear the a $10,000 toilet paper gown that Simon bought for me. It's idealizing the concept of 2-ply in a very chic way."

I have to admit, if anyone can wear a burlap bag, it's her. Hope she didn't get a rash.

By the way, it's time we find out where Silex is getting all of this money. Andy Cohen, please tell me you asked about this at the reunion show (read Andy's vague account of the reunion taping here).

8. Ramoner. HSN wants Ramoner to film herself presenting her line of jewelry. Mario films, Avery criticizes, Ramoner kicks Avery out, and then there is this:

All I can think about is Borat's "HIGH FIVE!".

9. Silex. Carving pumpkins on their stoop in Brooklyn. Pretty much everything word out of their mouths is a variation on "Brooklyn is sooooo much better than Manhattan." Then Alex brings out some Halloween decorations and hands Simon some fake barbed wire. "Is this for me to take to bed with you later?" Go ahead. Run to the toilet. I'll wait.

Alex: Pens work so much better in Brooklyn, don't you think, Simon?

Simon: What? I was busy thinking about what we're going to do with these pumpkins tonight in bed.

10. The dog Halloween costume party.

Fancy! How much do you think Ginger's costume cost?

Ramoner arrives with her dog, and both are in Robin Hood outfits. This is where I start to feel some fondness for Ramoner. I can't explain it--something about the bulging eyes and green felt hat.

Yes, Brad is wearing a three-piece chintz suit. When he and Ramoner see each other, they both start shrieking with delight. " I was hysterical!" Ramoner tells the camera. "[when I saw Brad] I almost peed my pants and laid on the floor!" Who knew they liked each other that much? I think Brad should gay-divorce Jill and gay-marry Ramoner. They would be such a better couple.

Hors d'oeuvres are being passed and Jill tells the server that they look disgusting. Ramoner takes one and gives a lick to her dog; Brad pops one into his mouth. Then Jill and Bobby play a little prank on Brad.

At first Brad's all "WHAT?!" but then he laughs and says "it's fine! It's liver!" Then Ramoner shrugs, takes a bite (of the one she just let her dog lick on) and says, "it's good." I LOVE IT when she brings the crazy like that.

Jill pulls Ramoner aside and says "it's not really dog food!" and then explains to the camera that she lives to mess with Brad. Poor Brad. He probably slipped off to the bathroom and had some bulimia.

11. Jill, Bethenny and some other lady walk through Hudson Terrace, which is where Jill's arthritis charity event will be held, free of charge.

It's GORGEOUS, but it's outside and it just happens to be raining. "Holy weather permitting!" exclaims Bethenny, and this is when I start to hate Bethenny. Her use of the "holy whatever!" drives me nuts. NUTS. Bethenny's just frenetic during this scene, answering with a sarcastic one-liner for everything. It's too much.

Jill and Bethenny are going over the menu with the Hudson Terrace person and every time she suggests something, Jill's all "I hate it. Don't like it. Hate it." Both Jill and Bethenny need to smoke a doobie.

12. Bethenny and Alex meet to talk about Bethenny's new Skinnygirl logo. Alex shows Bethenny what she has so far and Bethenny gives her stamp of approval (foreshadowing!). Bethenny informs Alex that she's going to be putting out a line of Skinnygirl drink mixes, and that this could be a great opportunity for Alex because the Skinnygirl Margarita is the new Cosmo. Bethenny, it is a sad day when I snort at you. But I did snort at you.

13. Kelly's Halloween party! Bethenny's there as Roller Girl ("I got an invitation. Not sure if Kelly herself invited me, but I did get an invitation.") Brad and the Countess (dressed as a Native American--an odd choice, considering her heritage) are there too. Kelly, however, is nowhere to be found.

Bethenny tells the camera that crowd is totally random, as if they were just plucked from Times Square. As many of you mentioned, it looked like frat party, all stinky and crowded, but at least at a frat party, there'd be a keg or two. Kelly's party has a CASH BAR. Bethenny is incredulous: "You put your name on this event, but not on one that helps people with arthritis?" To me, this is just another sign that Kelly is a total assface. She thinks that people will be so honored to be at her party that she doesn't need to give them anything to drink.

Jill and Bobby arrive.


Bethenny, who has had a little to much to drink at the cash bar, runs up to Jill and starts going OFF about all of the bullshittery occurring at this party. Jill can't get a word in edgewise, but she tells the camera that she is PISSED. Not only about the rudeness that is the cash bar, but the fact that Kelly is over an hour late to her own party. "It's not polite to show up late to your own party, but maybe that's the chic world she lives in," she says. Oh, BURN!

The Countess is angry too, as she had passed up a dinner invitation to be at Kelly's party. "Off with her head!" she shouts in jest (but not really) at one point. They try to call Kelly but she doesn't answer her phone. They decide to leave.

Bethenny has a brilliant (if not entirely sober) moment outside of the party--a message for Kelly: "Who do you think you ARE? What are you DOING? Are you CRAZY? I'm never wrong about people. Never. Wrong. About. People. And Roller Girl doesn't care." Then she rolls off down the street, even doing a little backwards skating. I like Bethenny again.

Finally, a half-naked Kelly shows up, accompanied by Max, who is 90% naked. Kelly looks very annoyed as she walks up to the little red carpet at her party. She tells the camera that she was "late, rully rully late" to her own party. Do you know what her excuse is? An indignant "my kids had Halloween, and then it takes an hour and a half to get ready." There is kind of this unspoken "DUH!" hanging in the air. She is unbelievably STUPID and RUDE.

Do you know what she says about her costume? That she wanted it to be "fun and flirty but I'm a mom; it can't be over-the-top." Yeah, just rully rully slutty.

She finally walks into her sweaty party, and stands there awkwardly. Doesn't look like she knows a single person there. "Where is everybody?" she asks. She tells the camera that she's upset. There's some mumbling about how she "felt bad they were [or weren't?] waiting, and it was [wasn't?] nice." Who knows, who cares. Suck it, Kelly.


I think we're in the home stretch, babies. Next week Silex's kids misbehave at Zarin Fabric and there's more Kelly vs. Bethenny. I think I'm going to have to take a roofie to get through it. What about you? What did you think of this episode?