"If I see one more Amazing Jackie Warner Product, I'm going to jump off a cliff into the ocean"

Jesse, I couldn't agree with you more. Jackie was back in action this week, stroking herself for developing her 387th product, this time an energy bar that "tastes like a candy bar!" What's next? I know!


because SHE IS TOTALLY GRATING ON MY NERVES and also, I would rather rub my face all over one of these than have to listen to any more of her bullshit. This preference for self-mutilation over watching Jackie might interfere with my recaps, but you know. Let's take it one day at a time.

Anyhoo! I will comment on last night's episode of Work Out for you, but first, a tribute to my gays Jesse and JD:

Jesse, you are so gorgeous and full of snappy comebacks. If God had made me a gay man, I would move to LA and book you as my trainer and try to seduce you into some hot sweaty man-on-man action. We could not be together for the long haul because you threw water in Rebecca's face last season, and I could not be with someone who is all dramatic like that. But a one night stand? Mmmm hmmmm.

JD, if I were gay, I would want you to be my life partner. We would be the gay Brangelina and adopt many underprivileged babies together. Not only are you a hard-bodied masseuse, but you are soft-spoken and kind and not all up in everyone's bidness. I would even accept your soul patch/flavor saver.

Just so you know, when you were giving one of the Sky Labbers a massage, I did not appreciate Bravo playing up the orgasm sounds she was making or the zooming in on your hint of butt crack. Bravo turned your beautiful therapeutic massage into something dirty and illicit, and it upset me.

IMPORTANT SCENES FROM THIS WEEK'S EPISODE:

1. Brain Peeler went over to Greg Plitt's (typing that last name simultaneously revolts and thrills me) to eat massive amounts of food and to vent. He told Greg that all he wanted in the first place was for Jackie to apologize. Agreed, Peeler. Then he used the phrase "woman-up" as in "Jackie wouldn't woman-up and apologize." Que? I'm not sure if I should take offense or not. I think I will just chalk it up as Peeler-ism and let it slide. In fact, Peeler could do anything short of rape and murder and I would still take his side over Jackie's.

Greg, who(m?) I haven't been crazy about up until now, was totally on Peeler's side, talking about how Jackie belittles other people to build herself up but that it's only a "temporary satisfaction at best." Renessa, who was also present at this lunch, gets all gooey-eyed at Plitt's non-neanderthal opinion and I have to admit, so did I. I hope you don't get fired by Evil Jackie, Plitty Plitt, although I'm sure you'd be better off. Then Plitt serves his 2 guests this:

. . . as if they were the fuckin' Duggar family (there's a big plate of hotdogs barely peeking out). Just kidding, Greg! I actually appreciate great hospitality like that; I just had to get in the Duggar joke.

2. Jackie tells Peeler's Sky Lab client that Peeler is the most awful person in the world and that's why he was fired (in a nutshell). I had to run to the bathroom and barf during this part. When Peeler's client says that he called her and offered to continue to train her IN THE PARK, my heart almost melted with love.


Jackie convinces the client to remain on the dark side, but the good part is that she assigns JD to be her new trainer.

3. Jackie organizes a retreat/boot camp for Sky Labbers and their trainers. The first morning they are there, Jackie tortures the Sky Labbers (and us) with what seems to be HOURS of crazy frenetic exercise. There is crying and belittling and one lady even throws up. Yes! Clever weight loss plan, Jackie!


3. Trainer Renessa confides to good friend Trainer Rebecca that she has a crush on Plitt. Rebecca tells Plitt this as soon as she gets the chance and then pretty much flirts with him and shoves her chi-chis in his face. God, she sucks!


Later, the trainers all participate in a gratuitous sexy chicken game which I'm sure made the fat Sky Labbers feel AWESOME.


4. Jackie says that in addition to exercise and proper eating, Sky Labbers need therapy to get healthy. Exactly! Maybe some individual counseling with a therapist off-camera? NO! Jackie decides that all of these overweight people should sit in a room with their gorgeous rock-hard trainers (not to mention a national television audience!) to speak about and resolve their deepest emotional issues. Oh, there is some sort of retarded life coach there who speaks about 2 sentences before Jackie takes charge. FUCKING JACKIE! Of course there is a big fight among Sky Labbers, at which point Jackie pontificates and the life coach remains mute. Big surprise.

5. There is a commercial for Flipping Out and I can't wait! Jeff Lewis is such a douche yet I love his good looks and his interiors. I'll just have to watch the show on mute.



That's it! Next week's episode shows the trainers getting inappropriately schnockered at the Sky Lab retreat. Jackie reacts with "blah blah blah," etc, etc.

This post was tres bitter, and I apologize for that but there's no other way to cover this show. I hope you understand.

If anyone is interested, Alex McCord recently updated her Bravo blog with a very innocuous post that mentions nothing about licking the balls of high-society types.

Our darling Jill Zarin also updated recently. Ahhh, Team Jill! Now we're ending on a happy note.

Let me know what you think of Work Out, sexy chicken, Jeff Lewis, Alex McCord or Jessica Simpson's break-up with Tony Romo. Or whatever.