"You bitches watch out!"

Indeed they should! I'm not going to lie--it made me a little giddy to hear Jeff utter these words in jest during a wild party at Ryan's. He can be so relaxed and fun-loving! I think that he should consider being drunk on tequila all the time.

The season finale of Flipping Out was bittersweet, wasn't it? Jeff Lewis embodies the cliche "one step forward, two steps back." Yet we continue to adore him. Here's Part I of your recap.

1. At still-on-the-market Valley Oak, Jeff finds "poopy toilet paper" in the deer pasture, aka the back yard. Because Jeff no longer has a whipping boy, he has to pick it up himself.


If there is any justice in the world, Chris Keslar and Chris Elwood were somewhere giving each other high-fives and laughing uproariously as they hit rewind and play over and over again.

Apparently, this isn't the first time that someone has used Jeff's yard as a toilet. Jeff thinks someone on his crew is trying to get to him. The behavior, he says is not "passive-aggressive, it's aggressive-aggressive." I like that new phrase! I'm surprised Jeff didn't call 911 or at least save the tp and send it in for DNA analysis. Wouldn't that have people shaking in their boots?! Jenni points out the pieces that he's missed and tells the camera "people love to poop on Jeff Lewis' property." Hmmm, I wonder why. The scene closes with a straight-faced Jeff saying, "that's the only movement that's occurred at Valley Oak recently." Did Jeff Lewis just make a poop joke? Awesome.

2. Encino! Jeff is stressed out because Lorie and the formidable Erin move in in 3 days and the house is not finished. Lorie's totally thrilled with her house and doesn't care at all that it's not quite done. She's bubbling over with excitement as she tells Jeff "I love my house!" Jeff responds with a distracted "okay." I wonder what would have happened if Lorie would have just walked over and started to rub his shoulders right then? I bet he would have jerked away all nasty-like. Lorie would have never done something creepy like that (don't you HATE spontaneous shoulder rubs from people with whom you are not close?), but I just wanted to illustrate the level of Jeff's stress.

Jeff is bossing Jenni around and basically treating both her and Lorie like 5 year olds. He asks Jenni to write down where baseboards are missing in the house, and when he catches Lorie and Jenni chit-chatting, he says in a parental I'm-going-to-lose-it-in-about-one-minute voice, "Sorry, Lorie. I need everyone to work. Please don't distract [Jenni] because she's easily distracted. Thank you. I really appreciate your cooperation today."

Do you know what I would have done had I been Lorie? I would have crossed my eyes and grunted "huh?" And then when he walked away in disgust, I would have smacked him on the ass. Hard! Oh, how I long to do that. But Lorie has much more dignity than I and she left. Jenni sassed back a little and luckily, Jeff didn't put her in time-out.

3. Jeff reports that Commonwealth sold after a week in the hot pocket. He considers it a "personal victory," and I am confused. Its full price was $1,795,000 and he sold it for $1,595,000. What was all that bullshit talk last week about not accepting anything less than full price at this point, when the listing hadn't even been introduced to the full market? What the hell, Jeff? Whatever. He still made a tidy $275k profit.

Jeff is ebullient over the sale and talks about how this will be a "transitional year." To be honest, I have no idea what he means by this. Hopefully he will be transitioning into a person who can order a gd latte without specifying a gd temperature.

4. THEN! Jeff shows us and the rest of the world just how big his balls are, and they are HUGE. Oh no, not literally! Are you okay? I didn't mean to scare you. Since the sale of Commonwealth, Jeff needs a new place to stay. So he asks Ryan if he can move in with Ryan, Dale and Chloe for a couple of weeks. Ryan thinks he's kidding, but no! Jeff is seriously asking ex-boyfriend Ryan if he, along with his housekeeper and 5 pets, can move in with Ryan's family. See what I mean about the big balls?

Jeff tells the camera that he is aware that Dale is allergic to cats, but asks if Dale can't take Zyrtec or something. "I don't see why he couldn't go on medication for the brief time I'm there," Jeff says. Oh for the love of God, why can't you go on medication that will make you act like a normal person?

Ryan, how long were you with Jeff? I mean, he's gorgeous and all, but he's clearly not right in the head.

Jeff doesn't care a bit about inconveniencing Ryan and his partner Dale. He just wants to save a little money: "Why make a $10,000 house payment when I could live with Ryan for free?" Pause. "And Dale's a good cook." Jeff, I have to say, you may have the emotional IQ of a squirrel, but you do know how to bust out a decent joke.

5. Jeff looks at Edgemont, a property he is considering buying as a flip with his cash from Commonwealth. It's listed at $1.1 million, which is an important fact for later. He likes it, and likes that it is immaculate. As Jenni told the camera, "we were joking that [the owners] were Jeff's long lost parents."

BRIEF SIDE NOTE: Has anyone watched the douche extravaganza that is Million Dollar Listing? I saw about 5 minutes of it and would love for that shitbag Chad (who appears to be 12 years old and has some sort of retarded comb-forward hairstyle)


to work with Jeff just once. Jeff would eat his fucking LUNCH, you know? And I would giggle and clap like a small child.

Jeff offers $1 million for Edgemont, stating that even at $1.1, it's a great value.

6. Move in day at Encino! Jeff is still stressed. While not completely finished, the house is AMAZING. In every single way. Incredibly beautiful, and why don't I have $200,000 and some change so that I can hire Jeff to fly out and remodel my suburban home while we banter? Sigh.

Jenni says, "Lorie is our favorite client. She is our only client." Lorie, I like you without qualification. If you lived in Denver, I think we would be pals. I think that we would do things like call Jeff (pressing *67 first, of course) and hiss "I'm pooping in your pasture right now!" Then we'd hang up and laugh so hard that the Chardonnay would shoot straight out of our noses.

Back to the move-in. Jeff is wearing a white tee and is a little scruffy. Trust me, it was sexy. Mario, Jeff's long-time mover, starts giving Jeff a little lip and Jeff goes apeshit. In all fairness to Jeff, Mario was being pretty disrespectful. When he starts mouthing off to Jeff, Lorie has to stifle her laughter. Me too, except for the stifling part. In a fit of anger, Jeff tells Mario that Mario will never work with Jeff or Brown Design again, which I would imagine was probably a pretty decent gig.


Jeff then proceeds to give Mario the kiss of death as he says to the following to the camera:

I will never work with Mario again. I will go out of my way to make sure that people hire another moving company after what he did. I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way. I'm not going to place like, billboards on Sunset because I checked into that and it was like 25 grand. But anyone that I've referred him before, I will make sure they get a text, email and a follow up voicemail to never use them again.

Now that's a blackballing! Better start packing your bags, Mario. C'est fini!

7. I'm going to ask you to use your imagination for this next scene. Picture . . . a fraternity house on an early Friday evening in May. The classic drinking game of quarters is being played, and some nice but hammered girl from the sorority next door is rubbing the quarters on her nipples while some dude gleefully yells "lucky lady, lucky lady!" at the top of his lungs. Outside, people are drunkenly doing stupid and dangerous stunts to get attention, and the housemother looks on benignly, knowing that she is powerless to stop any of it. One the lawn, the house asshole and master hazer is playing a rough game of frisbee with the house dog.

Got that image? Now pretend that said fraternity house is a million dollar GORGEOUS home that was professionally designed using nothing but the best materials. Picture the nice but wasted girl as Jenni and the "lucky lady lucky lady!" guy as Ryan. The powerless housemother is Zoila, and you guessed it--the house asshole is Jeff. Instead of playing fetch with a frisbee, he is throwing a baby doll and shouting to the dog "go get Susie's head!" Now you have a perfect description of the party that Ryan hosted for Jeff Lewis and Brown Design employees.


Seriously, it looked like a wicked awesome time. Wish I would have been invited. Oh well, it's probably for the best. After a couple of drinks, I probably would have gotten a little "aggressive-aggressive" with Jeff and neither one of us needs a sex tape scandal right now.


Tune in tomorrow for Part II, when Ryan reveals a major truth about Jeff and we meet Jeff's younger brother. See you then!