I'm pretty sure Google has a drinking problem

Seriously, I'm concerned. I'm almost afraid to bring it up because Google is such a corporate giant and is currently the only bright spot in my retirement portfolio, but something has to be done.

Google has been falling apart lately when it comes to performing simple tasks. Tasks that are really hard to screw up. For example, I asked Google (who owns Blogger) to let me know when someone comments on this blog. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I am notified about 33% of the time, and Anons are totally and completely ignored. I think it's kind of an important clue that Google is ignoring all types of "Anonymous," don't you? Anyhow, I am missing out on some really funny comments, like when Susannah at Petunia Face suggested that we should all have a bonus lesbian pick on our Free Pass Fives* (I think I'd go for Ashley Judd).

Don't even get me started on Google Alerts. I'm STILL waiting for it to notice that Mamacita tagged me on April 24. And it is so obvious that Google was drunk of its ass yesterday at work because in the middle of the day it sent me two Google Alerts from August and September 2007. Here's the proof:


WTF? A little late, maybe? And what about the fact that I didn't even start writing this blog until October 2007. How could these blogs be linking to my blog when IT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST, Google?!

You want more evidence, Google? Okay, then. You must have had quite a hangover after this little incoherent gem:


Unbelievable.

If this weren't enough--do you remember when you showed my children porn? Oh God. You are so lucky you're not in jail right now.

Google, listen. I know that you are the top search engine on the web. I know that you get several hundred million different requests every day. I can't imagine the stress you must be under, but take a vacation! Hire more people! Don't turn to the bottle. Your drinking is not only affecting your job performance and your reputation, but our relationship, which is very important to me.

Let's have an intervention to convince Google to go to shape up.** Is anyone else having issues with Google? Who would be your bonus lesbian pick? Speak up.


*UPDATE: Frank just called to inform me that I have a free pass to hook up with any woman at any time. He told me "not to limit" myself, and that most husbands feel the same way. So. There you have it.

**Yes, maybe I am watching too much Intervention, but there's clearly a problem, right? If it's not alcohol, then it's meth, herion or problems with code. I just want Google to do its job and get better.

Thanks to zenzenok for the photo